DC: Not your Average Family
by Arrancar open account
Summary: Nyx and Erebus, two powerful and ancient deities with lots of children. And lots of untold stories! And now that I've foudn those stories I bring them to you as my new series...Divine Comedy!
1. Sleep

Chapter 1 - Sleep

(Hypnos POV)

As soon as I wake up, I'm always greeted by the same thing…"Get out of bed you lazy moron!" Ugh…That arrogant little brat…No wonder he was thrown out of Olympus…

"I'm the god of sleep. I need at least 14 hours of rest a day…" Yes, I am indeed the Greek god of sleep. What? You've never heard of me? Seriously? Okay, well, I'm the son of Erebus and Nyx. I have…A lot of siblings. Quite frankly however, I hate almost all of them. The brat who I have to share a room with is Momus. He's the god of blame. "And besides, it's only 6:00…"

"And?"

"And shut up…"

"Everyone, get the f**k up! It's time for breakfast." My father called out. Did I mention he hates everyone except mom? From the other room, I hear Thanatos waking up. He's my twin brother. He also hates everyone. He must get it from dad. As for how I heard a usually silent process…

"SHUT THE HADES UP YOU FATHERLESS ASSHOLE!"

"That's my boy." Dad said from the hallway, but you don't really ever know where he is. My dad, Erebus, is darkness personified. Basically, he's the ultimate nosey parent…Besides my mom, Nyx. She's night personified. So yeah. No privacy…At all. Thanatos manages it by hanging out with Hades, who does not exactly like having uninvited guests. But then again, he might just be spending all his time working…

"Why do we have to get up so early…I need my beauty rest…" My sister Oizys said from another room. We don't have very thick walls…Anyway, Momus laughs at her remark.

"You can rest all you want, you'll never be beautiful!"

"We're twins, dumbass!"

"…Didn't think about that…" I chucked at his stupidity as I got out of bed and threw my robe on. I went into the dining room, where most of my siblings were already sitting and chatting.

"If you ask me," My brother Charon, the ferryman, began. "I don't care how much you pray. If you rebel against a king who you swore you loyalty to, you belong in Tartarus." Moros scoffed at this remark. "FInd something wrong with that statement?"

"No. In fact, I agree. Clotho can be a bitch sometimes, eh?" He said smugly, only to hit in the back of the head Nemesis.

"MORON! You don't talk about the Fates that way!" Thanatos walked into the room, with an even darker and colder look on his face then usual. Everyone was silent. Out of all of us, me and Thanatos are the oldest. But while I am a laughing stock, Thanatos is loved. Or more appropriately, feared.

"How about we not talk about the Fates at all?" He spat, coldly. We all know that Thanatos doesn't like it when the Fates are mentioned. One time he nearly ripped out Moros' tongue for comparing himself to them, namely Atropos. Actually, that's a lie. He was aiming to take his entire head off. Thanatos sat down, then began to talk again. "Moros, how many people are gonna die today?"

"Somewhere in the 5,000s. Ares is starting a war today." Thanatos sighed.

"At least they'll all be in one spot…" He said. Thany, as we usually call him, is depressed all the time. It kinda makes me sad, because when we were kids, he seemed so happy…But enough about him. After I finished my ambrosia and nectar, I left to do my daily duties. Which is pretty much nothing.

I spent most of the day walking around disguised as a human. You'd be surprised how boring my life is. The only exciting things are the godly meetings, and those are usually boring too. Like the other day…

"And that's why we are going to replace the regular wine with Egyptian wine. Because Egyptian labor is much cheeper."

"Yes, yes. That's very interesting Dionysus."

"And this relates to the lack of mortal sacrifices…How?"

As usual, we didn't stay on topic for more than five minutes. I continued my stroll down the street when I saw Thanatos. He's following some man who's about to cross the stre-…Oh. "Hey, Thany!" I called out. Because he was also in his human disguise(A doctor of all things…) he looked at me, waved in a bored fashion, and began to walk over to me. After that we began to walk down the street and talk.

"What are you doing here, Hypnos? You know dad doesn't like us hanging around mortals too much."

"Meh, I got bored and I couldn't go to sleep."

"YOU couldn't go to sleep?"

"Shocking right?"

"Since you've got nothing else to do…Wanna come with me for my job?"

"Wh-what?" When he said that I was surprised. Thany rarely offers to take someone with him. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You're my twin brother, so why not?"

"Well, I guess today won't be that boring. "

* * *

><p><strong>Not too much humor in this one...But I don't care, it's only chapter one. <strong>

**The following chapters should be a lot funnier. **

**Oh, and just remember. Reveiw or Thany will visit your house! (Then again, you might like that too much...)**


	2. The Ferryman

Chapter 2 - The Ferryman

(Charon POV)

I hate my job. I really do. I can't imagine anyone who would like it. You know, unless you like people talking your ears off about how their death was too soon, or the things they never got to do, or wondering if they're gonna go to Hell, or repenting for their sins. Another thing, I don't get a very long time to sleep, nor do I get breaks. In fact, the only thing good about this job is the pay. Even so, sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Another "perk" of the job is Hermes. I. DESPISE. Hermes.

"Hey Charon~! How's it going?"

"South. Rapidly."

"I thought the Styx flowed East."

"Shut up…Just, shut up…"

"Aww, I thought we were friends!"

"My oar is about to make friends with your face!"

"Mind your temper. I am an Olympi-" WHAM! That shut 'em up. "OW! My beautiful face, defiled by a piece of wood!" Or so I thought.

"What do you want anyway? Don't you have packages to deliver?"

"Yes, yes. Here." He handed me a scroll. "It's from Ares."

"That's it then?"

"Nope. I gotta give Hades a few things."

"Ugh…" Hermes and his shoes have no power in the Underworld, so I'm forced to take him to Hades when he has to give him his mail. Which sucks for me. Big time. He sings songs…Reads literature…And talks to me about ART. What the hell gave him the idea that I like any of those things? Creativity makes me sick.

"And there was this one story-"

"SHUT THE F**K UP HERMES! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR STUPID STORIES!"

"Jeez, I was just trying to make conversation…"

"You have a conversation with someone about something they both like. In this case, we share no interests. So shut up and leave me alone!"

"Ooh, harsh…"

The rest of what happened is pretty boring, so I'll just go on to what happened later that day. I was sitting on the shore of the Styx, waiting for Thanatos to show up. To my surprise, Hypnos was with him.

"Mental hospitals are insane!" Hypnos said, obviously talking to Thanatos about something I missed.

"Well duh."

"Not, like that…I mean, WTF! They take samples of your freaking brain!"

"Yeah. Mortals are weird…"

"Thanatos, Hypnos. Where are my souls? AND my money?"

"Nice to see you, too Charon…" Thanatos said sarcastically to me. He rubbed his scythe with a cloth, taking the souls out of it. I've never understood that. One time I asked him, and his explanation still didn't make any sense…

"When I reap a person's soul, Atropos has already cut the Thread of Life. Because of that, their soul and body are separate. Their soul, needing somewhere to go, enters into my scythe. Then I rub it with a special cloth made by Hades that takes the souls out."

"That's total bullsh*t."

"Maybe."

See? Did that make any sense to you? I thought so. Anyway, I load the souls on board, take my money, and am about to set sail when…

"Charon! Hey, Charon!"

"Aww hell no…"

* * *

><p><strong>So, yeah. Not as long as the other one. <strong>

**Judging from last time people saying that my chapter did have a lot of humor, I'm not even gonna make an assumptions for this one. **

**Anyway, betchya were expecting Thany's chapter to be next, right? WRONG! **

**I love messin' with you guys. **

**But just know, reveiw or Hermes will talk your ears off! **


	3. Death

Chapter 3 - Death

(Thanatos POV)

Hi, my name's Thanatos! I love my family! They're the best! Also, I can't think of a better thing to do all day then help puppies and enjoy life! NOT! Got you there didn't I? Okay, maybe not. Anyway, the only true thing I just said is that my name is Thanatos. To pretty much sum up my personality and what I do, I am Death. So yeah. There's no need to say anything else. So this chapter is over. What? What do you mean that's not fair? You want an actual story? Ugh, fine! I'll give you your damn story…

"Wh-what?" Hypnos looked surprised. For all those who didn't read the first chapter, I just told him he could come with me for my job as a psychopomp. For all those that don't know what a psychopomp is, it's someone or something that guides the dead to the underworld. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You're my twin brother, so why not?"

"Well, I guess today won't be that boring. "

"Good, follow me then." I grabbed his hand, and led him into a dark alley.

"What are we doing here?"

"That's pretty obvious, actually. I'm not gonna use my powers in front of mortals, moron…"

"Oh…Right…" With a snap, I changed out of my disguise and took my normal appearance. You know, black robe, pale skin, awesome scythe. The stuff you mortals usually associate with Death. But not the skeleton body. I am NOT a skeleton. If you ever call me that, ask me why I'm not, or even MENTION the fact that Death is usually a skeleton, I will kill you. And I mean kill you dead. And by dead, I mean murdered. Anyway, after a bit of sneaking around, we finally made it to our first destination.

"A mental hospital?"

"Yes, Hypnos. A mental hospital."

''Why a mental hospital? People never die here!"

"You'd be surprised. There's a lot of surgeries they on on people's brains, and sometimes they don't survive. Other times people go out of control and are shocked to death by a taser."

"Mortals are weird…"

"One of the reasons I hate them, brother." After collecting a few souls, we moved on to the next stop.

"You've got to be kidding…" Hypnos moaned.

"What? A hospital makes perfect sense."

"Yeah, but it's gonna take forever to get everyone who died here!"

"Why do you think it takes time for people to die?"

"Uh…"

"Because I don't get everyone right away. Anyway, come on."

Okay, that's all you get. What? Why should I tell you more? Rgggghhh…Okay, fine! Jeez…This is why I hate mortals. They're always asking for more than they deserve…

"This…Is…Boooooooorrrrrriiiiinnnng!

"I know. Be glad you don't have this as a job everyday. Actually, what do you do exactly?"

"I put the mortals to sleep at night."

"Lame."

"Shut u-" And then he fell asleep. In the middle of the hallway. Where mortals could see him. I hate my life…

"Oh my! That man just passed out, someone get him a doctor!" A nurse screamed.

"Oh, he uh…He has a sleeping condition. He's perfectly fine." I said back.

"No, I must insist that he go and see a doctor!" She retorted, and just as I feared, went to go get a doctor.

"Hypnos you idiot…"

"Figures you GEEK gods couldn't hide yourself from humans." A voice behind me said. Just what I needed. HIM. I turned invisible so that only gods could see and hear me.

"F*ck off, dog. I'm not in the mood right now."

"Dog? I'm a jackal you asshole!"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever Anubis…" Yup. Anubis. The Egyptian god of death. I hate those stupid Egyptians…They all think they're better than us…At least the Greeks LASTED longer!

"So your brother passed out on the job, eh? Not surprising."

"This is the only time I'll agree with you…" I considered asking for my own doctor, because he was giving me a migraine. Then I remembered. "Hypnos!" I looked down and Hypnos was gone. "Aw crap…See what you did now? Mom's gonna ki- Wait…Nevermind." I ran after the two nurses who carried my lazy-ass brother away on a stretcher. I could hear Anubis laughing behind me. I really freaking hate that guy…

I followed them for through a few hallways, before they went into a room. Jeez, you think they would've found a quick room if they really thought something was wrong with him…

"What's the diagnosis?" The doctor asked.

"We're not sure. All his vital signs are fine, and it doesn't appear anything's wrong. But he suddenly passed out in the middle of the hallway." The nurse replied.

"Well, who is he?"

"We're not sure. Should we take a blood sample?" When I heard that, I stopped breathing. Not that it mattered. Anyway, gods don't have blood, they have Ichor. It's a fluid that makes them immortal. Luckily, Hypnos woke up at that moment.

"Huh? Where am I?" He asked with a yawn. He blinked a few times and sat up. The doctor and his nurse exchanged a confused look.

"Who are you exactly?" The doctor asked. PLEASE don't say anything stupid, Hypnos!

"I'm a magician. Observe. Now you see me, now you don't." With that, he became invisible. I had to admit, it was a smart move. After a bit more soul harvesting, we left. I pulled out my wallet to see how much I had left.

"Stupid mortals…I hate that they never leave money to pay Charon anymore…"

"Mortals don't have to pay for OUR underworld. Duat is free." FML…

"Anubis, f**k off."

"That's not what your sister said."

"…"

"Or your girlfriend."

"SHUT THE F**K UP YOU F**KING DOG-HEADED F**K FACE!"

* * *

><p><strong>And that's how the ball bounces! <strong>

**Sorry for the delay, BTW. I was suffering from severe lackofideasiosis.**

**Anyway, as for the Thanatos/Anubis rivalry, it will be further elaborated on in later chapters.**

**Anyway that's it. But never forget, reveiw or Anubis will steal your girlfriend with his gorgeous tan and incredibly chisled abs! ...That came out wrong...**


	4. Blame

Chapter 4 - Blame

Hello insignificant mortals. I am Momus, god of blame, and better than all of you. Maybe you've heard of me from such stories as-…You've never heard of me before the first chapter? Well then…Allow me to tell you of a few of my great stories! They're way better than anything you mortals have ever written!

So one day I was walking through the halls of Olympus, thinking about something good to call Nemesis, when I see Apollo talking to Artemis. So I decide to stir up a bit of trouble…"Hey Apollo, hey Artemis!" I shouted as I ran towards them.

"Oh gods…" They said in unison.

"So Artemis, did you hear that Apollo killed Orion?"

"HE DID?" She screamed, turning from me to Apollo.

"W-well yes…But it was to protect you!" He said sheepishly. I walked away, leaving the two to work it out themselves. Oh how I love my job!

I went on to the next good spot to continue my work. The Olympian Plaza. For all you who don't know, Olympus is set up much like a city. The golden entrance is opposite the main meeting hall, the party/dining hall is to the left, and the training grounds are a bit lower on the mountain. The palaces of all the Olympians are built around various locations, Zeus and Hera's at the top, Poseidon's in the direction to the sea, Demeter's in a slightly grassy area, and Aphrodite and Hephaestus' next to Zeus'. Ares, Hermes, Dionysus, Apollo, and Artemis all live in the same palace as Zeus. In the very center of Olympus is the forum, or as most call it, The Olympian Plaza. Many gods visit it, me included. I quickly arrived and looked around for someone nice to insult.

"Ah…Yes…Him…" Morpheus. The perfect person to get. He's my nephew, and king of…I don't even remember what it's called…"Dreamy Land" or something lame like that. So anyway, I walk up to him. "So Morph. I hear you're dating a Valkyrie."

"No." He said, with his eyes closing and his famous "Prince Charming" smile appearing on his face as he tilted his head back. The dude acted WAY to girly. Almost girlier than Apollo.

"What? But Hypnos sai-"

"She claimed she was a Valkyrie, but her beauty is that of a goddess." He almost purred that. Gods he makes me sick with all his fancy talk…I rolled my eyes.

"So what's her name?" This was the only time I carried a full conversation with someone…

"Valkyria."

"…" And here I was thinking the Norse had the best names. I decided that Morpheus essentially makes fun of himself, so I had no reason to. I moved on to just insulating everyone who passed by. Eventually though, something horrible happened. "So which are you, a boy or a girl?"

"That's quite enough!" A very stern, female voice said behind me. I turned around slowly.

"O-oh, hi Q-Queen H-Hera. Wh-what brings you here?" I said sheepishly. You don't mess with Hera. Not at all.

"Your punishment. You've caused much more trouble here than you're worth. Therefore, I, Hera, Queen of Olympus, banish you from Olympus for 10,000 years! Maybe by then you'd have matured…"

"B-b-but I was just having a bit of fun! D-didn't you have fun as a kid, t-too?"

"I spent my childhood in my father's stomach." Oh right…Whelp, I'm doomed. "Now get out before I have the Keres escort you out!"

"O-okay Queen Hera!" I ran as though my life depended on it.

*Epilogue…*

(Narrator)

Momus walked through the forests around Olympus. He kicked a stone that, to his surprise, froze midair, suspended by a large shard of ice coming out of the ground. "Exile, huh? That's too bad. I found you funny." A voice said.

"What?" Momus readied himself. He knew how to fight, but not that well. "Who are you, and how do you know about my exile!"

"The latter part of the question is not important. But if you really want, you can call me…Katergaris."

**Sorry it took so long guys! **

**I tried to do Nemesis but I got the dreaded WRITER'S BLOCK. Then, I started writing this and I accidently hid it among my files and forgot about it...**

**But anyway, it seems that a plot is emerging. WHY?**

**WHY MUST THERE BE A PLOT? **

**Anyway, reveiw or Artemis will use you as target practice like she did to her twin sis-Er...Brother! **


	5. How Death stole Christmas

Chapter 5 - How Death Stole Christmas

(Narrator)

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Olympus

Not a creature was stirring, not even a-

"No. Just no." Thanatos yelled. "We're not doing a rhyming chapter! Not now, not ever!"

"Oh come on Thany, it's for Christmas!" Hypnos said to his not-so-cheerful brother.

"Fine, fine…Whatever…"

…As I was saying…

The stockings were hung on the chimney with care,

But Zeus knew St Nick would not soon be there.

The gods were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of torturing mortals danced through their heads.

And Nyx in her robe, and Hypnos in his cap,

Had just settled their brains for a long winters nap.

Every god down in Olympus liked Christmas a lot…

But Thanatos, who lived very, very, VERY far south of Olympus,

Did NOT!

"THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT POEM!" Thanatos shout angrily.

Thanatos hated Christmas!

The whole Christmas season!

But don't ask why, not even he knows the reason.

That night , when Thanatos went to bed, he heard a mysterious moaning.

"What the hell…?" He declared, loudly groaning.

He got out of bed when and decided to check,

but he fell down the stairs and nearly broke his neck.

Of course he's a god, so he didn't care,

but when he stood, he saw Hecate there.

"Hecate, what're you doing here, it's late."

"I've come to tell you that you must change your ways."

"Okay, not joking, this is seriously starting to get annoying…AND THIS IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY! ON TOP OF THAT, "A CHRISTMAS CAROL" DOESN'T EVEN RYHME!" Thanatos screamed once more.

"I have to admit, I'm a having a good time." Hecate remarked, giggling. Thanatos glared at her. "Sorry, couldn't resist."

"Now tell the story right or I'll walk out on you."

"So anyway, tonight you're gonna be visited by three ghosts. Enjoy your cliche parody!" Hecate said, disappearing.

"Bah, hung-man! I don't believe in that garbage!" Thanatos spat, walking back up to his bed. He laid back down, only to be awoken soon after.

"Sup. I'm the ghost of Christmas past." The floating man who shook Thanatos awake said.

"No you're not! You're Aiakos, one of the three Judges of the Dead! Actually, how come Clotho isn't playing the ghost of Christmas?"

"That would be to obvious. Anyway, I'm here to show you something."

"What?"

"This." Thanatos and Aiakos were to taken to a house that Thanatos recognized.

"Oh, I remember this house!" Thanatos said, laughing. "Carbon Monoxide poisoning is one of the most fun ways to kill a person." Thanatos looked in the window and saw himself taking out the CM detector, then short-circuiting the lights, setting the tree on fire and filling the house with the deadly smoke that killed it's residents. "Good times…Good times…"

"…This why you're being shown this you know…" Aiakos said, realizing that getting Thanatos to feel remorse is next to impossible. After several more "accidents", he finally gave up. "This is pointless…Just…Go back to bed." And with that, Thanatos was back in his bed.

"About damn time…" He fell back asleep, but was quickly woken by the next ghost.

"I am the ghost of Christmas pres-"

"Rhadamanthus, I know it's you. And once again, Lachesis would've been better."

"Silence! I have come to show you the joy Christmas brings to mortals!"

"Fan-tucking-fastic…" Rhadamanthus took Thanatos to a house where Santa was delivering presents. "Hey, is this real? Did you actually teleport us?"

"Why, yes."

"Great." Thanatos flew over to St Nick…And swiftly gave him the 'Touch of Death'.

"Y-YOU JUST KILLED SANTA CLAUS! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT!" Rhadamanthus screamed.

"Because I'm a jerk. Now take me back." The judge had no other choice, so he did so. This time, Thanatos didn't bother going to sleep. Minos appeared shortly after.

"I am-"

"Minos. Yeah, I know. Show me the future without the big man so I can get my beauty sleep."

"…Okay, fine." Minos took the two of them to a destroyed world, with the few survivors barely making a living.

"Dude, stop bullsh*ting me. What's the future like without K.K.?" Thanatos asked.

"This IS the future."

"Seriously? All this because I killed Santa Claus?"

"No. All this because of nuclear warfare."

**Yay, another chapter! **

**Since Christmas is right around the corner, I decided that this would be fun to do. **

**Plus I really wanted to have Thanatos kill Santa. **

**Anyway, this is actually a two-parter. Hypnos is next, and he wants to save Christmas! **

**So yeah. Reveiw or you won't get any presents!**


	6. Important Message from Thanatos

Hello imaginary fan base, Thanatos here. I would like to inform you that there actually is a next chapter. It's just taking awhile due to content debates between the Author and his entire staff of himself. Oh, and that unpaid intern. But he just narrates. Anyway, if you were thinking this series was never going to update, keep that mentality! Knowing the Author he's probably focused himself on other projects, actually gotten a life, or made a couple friends. He might also be ranting about how people favorite stories he has discontinued. I guess artists really do get more famous when they die, ha ha, ha ha. People, at the end of the day, he can't really write about things that a pre-established such as Bleach or Death Note, much as people like him doing. He prefers to build upon a blank slate, something that he can make the rules for. Did you guess mythology? Then you are correct! Congratulations you just earned yourself a couple of stale frozen pizzas. Now you may be thinking, "Well if you have time to write this then why can't you put out another damn chapter!" If you are, I'm going to have to ask for those frozen pizzas back. As I stated above, this is not a matter of laziness, lack of ideas, or just sheer not caring. This is a matter of the Author wondering whether he wants to change things or not. This is also his wake up call to never make one chapter in two parts. At least this way when he promises a Christmas special, it's not separated into two separate Christmases. Or released in June so you all can think "Christmas? It's the middle of summer, dumbass!" I would also like to take this time to give a little newsletter. This is NOT restricted to Greek mythology. After 15 retellings of the story of Orpheus, it gets a bit boring. Sometimes we need to change it up by slapping the name "IZANAGI" onto Orpheus, "IZANAMI" onto Eurydice, and "YOMI" onto the Underworld. See? Now isn't that better! Not really? Well now you know how the Author feels that there's no section for stories about Angels and Demons and what-not. This is one big block of text…

There. Now it only slightly feels like one of those stories where the author ignores the "Return" button on their keyboard. Quite a bit, huh? I guess that's the power of focusing. You finish a chapter that has slightly more words than a chapter that was actually funny in 1/4 the time! Anyways, back to the news I mentioned. I hope you aren't expecting any other stories anytime soon because for now this the only one…That's actually going. Now you're thinking, "All this time and you've nothing to show for it!" The answer to that question is no. The majority of the next chapter IS in fact complete. But in case you've slammed your head into a brick wall and forgotten everything that I just said, there are CONTENT DIFFICULTIES. What are content difficulties? Almost as annoying as writer's block.


End file.
